Dan Bern: Talkin’ Alien Abduction Blues

I don’t know what made me go out that night

At that hour I’d have normally been in bed

But I found myself lookin’ up at the sky

At a very bright light straight overhead

It flashed green

Then Red

Santa Claus colors

I stood there frozen in that light

Then I started hearin’ this kind of whir

The lights got louder and the noise got brighter

And I felt a sudden chill

Brrrrrrrr

It was cold

I shouldn’t have gone out without a coat

My mom was right again

Then this big old spaceship floated down

And hovered 3 feet above the Earth

Never been so scared in all my life

Could’ve given spontaneous birth

If I was a woman

And pregnant

Then these two little guys about 4 feet tallJumped off that space age Greyhound bus

They grabbed me by the arms and said

«Start walking, Dan. You’re coming with us»

Abduction

They didn’t actually speak, but I understood ‘em

Telepathy

They strapped me down to this metal crate

Took out the 35-foot long hose

They said «Don’t worry, this won’t hurt»

Then they shoved that sucker up my nose

All the way up

I knew my nose way long, but this was a surprise

They examined me from head to toe

Stuck prods in every orifice

This cold gray box came and gave me a kiss

Then extracted a coupld of quarts of piss

I felt dehydrated

Then they waved this wand around my head

Said, «Now we’re reading your thoughts, you see

You got an awful lot of songs in there

Though it seems they’re all in the key of G»

I said «What about Marilyn? That’s in D»

They said «D flat, actually»

I said, «Yeah, because I tune it down a half step

What about Hannibal?»

They said «What about Hannibal?»

I said «Well, technically, it’s in G

But it’s really a dropped D tuning capo’d up»

They said «How come you don’t play the harmonica more?»

I said «How come I’m in a space ship

Talking to aliens about my act?»

They said, «We’d rather talk physics

But you’re illiterate there»

Couldn’t argue

They dropped me somewhere in Brazil

Took a month to get back to the USA

When I told my friends what I’d been through

No one believe what I had to say

That sucked

It’s to be expected, though

Most people think Hannibal’s in straight tuning

Well, my life’s back to normal now

I do the things I always do

‘Cept once a week I meet with 12

Other folks who’ve been abducted too

I tell my story

They tell theirs

I don’t believe them, though